"A good preacher is one who comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comforted." -- Anonymous

“I am one bad relationship away from becoming the woman with nine cats.” – Source unknown

"I became a citizen at a naturalization ceremony in front of the Statue of Liberty on Ellis Island on July 4, 1986.  After taking the oath, I looked around at the smiling faces of all the immigrants near me, and only one thought came to mind:  `I hate those g--d--- foreigners who come over here and take our jobs!'" -- Yakov Smirnoff, Russian-American comedian

"I cannot give you the formula for success.  But I can give you the formula for failure -- which is:  Try to please everybody." -- Herbert Bayard Swope (1882-1958), executive editor of the New York World

"I didn’t say that I didn’t say it.  I said that I didn’t say that I said it.  I want to make that very clear." -- George W. Romney (1907-1995), governor of Michigan and president of American Motors Corporation

"I don't hate you.  I'm beyond that." -- Col. Wilhelm Klink, Stalag 13 commandant, to Col. Hogan, American POW, on CBS Television's Hogan's Heroes

"I don't know why people complain so much about the Postal Service.  Just think:  For just 25 cents, they'll pick up a letter at a mailbox near your home, and then carry it around for weeks and weeks.  That's less than a penny a day!" -- Jay Leno, fourth host of NBC's Tonight show

"I don't know why there is an expiration date on containers of sour cream.  I mean--what could happen next?" -- Steven Wright

"I don't like it, I feel threatened by it, and I don't know how to deal with it." -- "Elliot Carlin," Jack Riley's neurotic character on the CBS Television Network's 1970s' situation comedy, The Bob Newhart Show

"I figure that my chances of winning the lottery are pretty much the same whether I buy a lottery ticket or not." -- Attributed in various forms to Fran Lebovitz and others

"I find the three major administrative problems on a campus are sex for the students, athletics for the alumni, and parking for the faculty." -- Clark Kerr (1911-2003), president of the University of California

"I heard from my cat's lawyer.  My cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles." -- Johnny Carson (1925-2005), third host of NBC's Tonight Show, commenting on his third divorce

"I like to hit myself on the head repeatedly with a hammer, because it feels so good when I stop." -- Bennett Cerf (1898-1971), Random House publisher and CBS Television's What's My Line? panelist; also attributed by some sources to Groucho Marx

"I never vote.  It only encourages them." -- Lady in Maine, quoted by Jack Paar (1918-2004), second host of NBC's The Tonight Show

"I think that this thing with [the first] President Bush and broccoli is getting out of hand.  Today, the president referred to the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant as the `Evil Empire.'" -- Johnny Carson (1925-2005), third host of NBC's Tonight Show, commenting on the disclosure that George H. W. Bush deems broccoli unpalatable

"I went to a boxing match, and a hockey game broke out." -- Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004), American comedian

"I went to a Chinese-German restaurant.  The food is great, but an hour later you're hungry for power." -- Dick Cavett, American comedy writer

"If everyone who hates me quit his job, the city would grind to a halt." – Jim Belushi’s character, “Jim,” on the ABC television situation comedy According to Jim

"If G∙d had wanted us to have a permissive society, He would have given us the `Ten Suggestions.'" -- Anonymous

"If I knew for certain that a man were coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life." -- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862), American author and philosopher

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times:  Don't exaggerate." -- Anonymous

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the Elvis impersonators would be dead." -- Johnny Carson (1925-2005), third host of NBC's Tonight Show

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal." -- Emma Goldman (1869-1940), Russian-American anarchist

"If you don't have enemies, you don't have character." -- Paul Newman (1925-2008), American actor and humanitarian

". . . [I]f you have to keep what you are doing secret, then what you are doing is wrong." -- Roger Taylor and Tim Kelsey

"If you must sin, then sin against G∙d and not against the bureaucracy, for G∙d may forgive you, but the bureaucracy never will." -- Hyman G. Rickover (1900-1986), four-star admiral of the U. S. Navy

"If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time and you would achieve nothing." -- Margaret Thatcher (1925-2013), British prime minister

"If your mother says she loves you, check it out." -- Journalism proverb, attributed to the Chicago News Service city-news bureau

"I'll never forget what my grandmother said right before she passed away.  She said to me . . .:  `What are you doing?'" -- Zach Galifianakis, comedian

"In my country, we believe that the only things that separate us from the animals are mindless superstitution and pointless ritual." -- Latka Gravas (Andy Kaufman's character) on the ABC and NBC television networks' situation comedy, Taxi.

"In reality there are only two races, namely the 'race' of decent people and the 'race' of people who are not decent. . . .  That decent people are in the minority, that they have always been a minority and are likely to remain so--is something we must come to terms with." -- Viktor E. Frankl (1905-1997), Austrian psychiatrist

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends." -- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968), civil-rights icon

The professor to the skipper:  "Your insurance company is vindictive and ruthless."  Gilligan (intervening helpfully):  "No, it's Pacific & Western." -- Script of Rescue from Gilligan's Island (made-for-television movie, 1978)

"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." -- William Gibbs McAdoo (1863-1941), secretary of the U. S. Department of the Treasury

"It is vain to do with more what can be done with less." -- "Occam's razor," written by William of Ockham (c. 1280-c. 1349), English philosopher and Franciscan friar

"It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken." -- Franklin P. "Frank" Perdue (1920-2005), chairman and president of Perdue Farms

"It takes 20 years to build a reputation and 5 minutes to ruin it.  If you think about that, you'll do things differently." -- Warren Buffett, investor

"It's a bad idea to get everyone's attention and then make a fool out of yourself." -- Original source unknown; my father taught me that.

"It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are." -- Roy E. Disney (1930-2009), vice chairman, the Walt Disney Company

"It's supposed to be hard.  If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it.  The `hard' is what makes it great." -- Jimmy Dugan, baseball-team-manager character portrayed by Tom Hanks in the movie A League of Their Own

"It's too bad that the Georgia Department of Transportation wasn't around during Sherman's march to the sea.  The DOT would have stopped him cold." -- Caller to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's column, "The Vent"

"The lack of money is the root of all evil." -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish playwright

"A lawyer is a person who is willing to spend your last dime to prove that he's right." -- Dr. Bernard Meltzer (1916-1998), WOR-AM Radio talk-show host and urban-planning expert

"Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species." -- W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), English playwright and novelist

"Michael Jackson checked in to a hotel.  He registered as `Mr. Moe Lester.'" -- Jay Leno, fourth host of NBC's Tonight show

"Millions for defense, but not a penny in tribute." -- Patrick Henry (1736-1799), Virginia militia officer in the Revolutionary War and governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -- Alice Walker, American author and activist

"Murphy, let me give you a tip:  When you ask for a favor, and you get it, the negotiations are finished." -- "Stan Lansing," Garry Marshall's character on the CBS Television Network's Murphy Brown situation-comedy series

"My father taught me that there is `no such thing as a convenient time for a vacation.'  You just take a vacation." -- William F. Buckley Jr. (1925-2008), conservative publisher and columnist

"My friend asked me, `Yakov, have you decided on a date for your wedding?'  I said, 'You mean, I can take a date to my own wedding?  What a country!'" -- Yakov Smirnoff, Russian-American comedian

"My kid drives me nuts.  For three years now, he goes to a private school.  He won't tell me where it is." -- Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004), American comedian

"My mother used to say to me:  `Stand up straight, look `em in the eye, and tell `em what you know.'  And that's what we try to do on the CBS Evening News." -- Dan Rather, CBS News anchor

"My parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." -- Joan Rivers (1933-2014), American comedienne

". . . [T]he nerve gas sarin, which was used in the Tokyo subway attack, is a colorless odorless substance that swifly paralyzes the respiratory system, fills the lungs with fluid, and drowns its victims.  But it's still better than anything on the Warner Brothers [television] network." -- Norm MacDonald on NBC's Saturday Night Live

"Never contend with a man who has nothing to lose." -- Baltasar Gracián (1601-1658), Spanish author and Jesuit priest

"Never interrupt an enemy when he is making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821), emperor of France

"Never pick a fight with a man who buys his ink by the barrel." -- Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, 1835-1910), American author and humorist

"No good deed ever goes unpunished." -- French proverb

"No man escapes when freedom fails.  The best men rot in filthy jails.  And those who've cried, `Appease, appease!' are hanged by those they've tried to please. -- George Hiram Mann (1872-1955), New York City self-taught attorney and activist

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session." -- Gideon J. Tucker (1826-1899), New York secretary of state

"On Thursday, former President Clinton hosted a three-day conference at Hofstra University examining the legacy of Clinton's eight years in the White House.  Then on Friday, Hillary Clinton learned there was no three-day conference at Hofstra University." -- Amy Poehler, co-anchor of "Weekend Update" feature of NBC's Saturday Night Live, November 12, 2005

"On many occasions, my sponsors tried to interfere with the content of my show.  I'll tell you what I did about it.  I outlived them." -- Jack Benny (1894-1974), American comedian

"One loyal friend is worth 10,000 relatives." -- Euripides, ancient Athenian dramatist

"One man's meat is another man's poison" -- Thomas Whythorne (1528-1595), English music composer (cf. George S. Kaufman:  "One man's Mede is another man's Persian")

"One of the greatest joys known to man is to take a flight into ignorance in search of knowledge." -- Robert Staughton Lynd (1892-1970), sociology professor at Columbia University

"One should never put on one's best trousers to go out to fight for freedom." -- Henrik Ibsen (1828-1906), Norwegian playwright

"One thing I don't understand about Iran-contra:  President Reagan keeps saying that he knew nothing about Iran-contra, and doctors keep cutting off pieces of his nose." -- Yakov Smirnoff, Russian-American comedian

"The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable." -- Ezra Solomon (1920-2002), economics professor at Stanford University

" . . . [T]he only thing we have to fear is fear itself. . . ." -- President Franklin D. Roosevelt (cf. dialogue between Sheriff Andy Taylor and Deputy Barney Fife on CBS's The Andy Griffith Show:  Andy:  "What about, `We have nothing to fear but fear itself'?"  Barney:  "Well, that's what I've got:  `fear itself.'")

"People, I just want to say, you know:  Can we all get along?" -- Rodney King (1965-2012), victim of merciless beating by Los Angeles police officers during his 1991 arrest

"People say I am ruthless.  I am not ruthless.  And if I find the man who is calling me ruthless, I shall destroy him." -- Robert F. Kennedy (1925-1968), U. S. attorney general and senator

“People talk about what a mean guy Frank Sinatra is.  But Frank Sinatra saved my life.  One night, after the show, I go out to the parking lot, and three guys jump out and start beating the crap out of me.  I’m down on the pavement, practically unconscious.  Then Frank walks over, waves off the guys, and says, ‘OK‑‑he’s had enough.’” – Shecky Greene, Las Vegas comedian, who was frequently the opening act for Sinatra

"Pity poor Mexico--so far from G∙d and so close to the United States." -- Porfirio Díaz (1830-1915), president of Mexico

"Power is always better organized than freedom." -- Adaptation of Charles Peguy's "Tyranny is always better organized than freedom"; cf. John Patrick Diggins, Max Weber:  Politics and the Spirit of Tragedy, 1966:  "As [Max] Weber saw it, power will always be better organized than freedom" (p. 13).

"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." -- Lord (John Emerich Edward) Acton (1834-1902) (compare to the sign in a U. S. House Commerce Committee hearing room:  "Power corrupts, and absolute power is really neat.")

An unexpectedly pregnant, agitated Jenny Preston (Hope Lange's character) informs her delighted husband Dick (Dick Van Dyke's character) about the pregnancy, and exclaims:  "I'm the president of my Zero Population Growth group!  What am I going to tell them?"  Dick:  "Tell 'em you quit." -- CBS Television Network's The New Dick Van Dyke Show

"[The first] President Bush is calling himself the 'education president,' the 'environmental president,' and the 'ethics president.'  He seems to like these 'E' words but, if he doesn't do something, he's going to be the ex-president." -- Johnny Carson (1925-2005), third host of NBC's Tonight Show

"President Reagan is referring to his proposed MX missile as the `Peacekeeper.'  Apparently, he thinks that by calling it the `Peacekeeper' he can get more votes for it than if he calls it the `World-Ender.'" -- Johnny Carson (1925-2005), third host of NBC's Tonight Show

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for `entrepreneur.'" -- Attributed (unverified) to President George W. Bush

"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy." -- Sam Levenson (1911-1980), American humorist

(On reciprocity:)  USAF Col. Hogan (trying to manipulate Luftwaffe Col. Klink):  "Colonel, I don't know whether you're aware of how the men in this camp feel about you."  Klink:  "So what?  I feel the same way about them." -- CBS Television Network's Hogan Heroes

"Reform, reform.  Don't talk to me about reform.  We are in enough trouble already." -- Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859), member of the British Parliament

"The role of the editor is to separate the wheat from the chaff--and to see that the chaff is printed." -- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915), American humorist

"Sadly, it's 99 percent of lawyers who give the other 1 percent a bad name." -- Attributed (unverified) to Steven Wright

Police Chief O'Hara:  "Have ye no scruples, ye jesting jackanapes?"  The Joker:  ". . . [T]he cash value of scruples is zero. . . ." -- The chief (Stafford Repp) and the Joker (portrayed by Cesar Romero) on the ABC Television series Batman, 1967

"The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got it made." -- Jean Giraudoux (1882-1944), French novelist and playwright

Sexual violence against women and girls during armed conflict is "not cultural, but criminal." -- U. S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton

“Frank Sinatra is the honorary chairman of this dinner.  An honorary chairman is a lot like the guy who turns the pages at a Jascha Heifetz concert:  He has to be there, but who cares?” – Jack Benny (1894‑1974), American comedian

"Sometimes people ask me about my political-party affiliation.  Actually, I'm a Whig." -- Jack Benny (1894-1974), American comedian

"There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest." -- Elie Wiesel (1928‑2016), Nobel laureate for peace

"To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions that he disbelieves is sinful and tyrannical." -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third president of the United States and author of the Declaration of Independence

"To gain power, you have to give it away." -- Anonymous

"The tyrant will always find a pretext for his tyranny." -- Aesop (620-564 B.C.), Greek storyteller, in The Wolf and the Lamb

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." -- Anatole France (1844-1924), French author and journalist

"We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once." -- President Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)

"We've upped our standards; now up yours." -- Patrick L. "Pat" Paulsen (1927-1997), American comedian (used that line as his mock campaign slogan)

"When a politician decides to make a living of politics, that's the day he becomes corrupt." -- Jerry Springer, former mayor and city-council member of Cincinnati, Ohio, and host of NBC Universal's decadent The Jerry Springer Show

"When I feel like exercising, I just lie down until the feeling goes away." -- Robert M. Hutchins (1899-1977), president of the University of Chicago

"When I first heard about the campaign to get me to host Saturday Night Live, I didn't know what Facebook was.  And now that I do know what it is, I have to say, it sounds like a huge waste of time." -- Betty White, American comedic actress

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." -- Maya Angelou (1928-2014), American author and poet

"Where you stand depends on where you sit." -- Rufus E. Miles Jr. (1910-1996), assistant secretary for administration - U. S. Department of Health, Education, and Welfare

"Words can kill." -- Patty Paczan, director of safety and youth services, Fairfax County (Va.) Chapter - American Red Cross

(On work and motivation:)  Audrey Bingham:  "I don't feel really fulfilled by my job."  Husband Jeff:  "Hence the pay." -- Megyn Price and Patrick Warburton on the CBS Television Network's Rules of Engagement

"You create as much negative energy when you take offense as when you give offense." -- Adapted from Ken S. Keyes Jr. (1921-1995), self-help author

"You have to be smarter to figure out how much income tax you owe than you had to be to earn the income in the first place." -- Ronald Reagan (on the speaker circuit before being elected president--for example, at the GOP "GALA" 1974 on March 8, 1974, in Hartford, Conn.)

"You learn a lot about yourself doing physical work.  And what I learned about myself was that I didn't like doing physical work." -- Rod Stewart, rock singer

"You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you." -- Leon Trotsky (1879-1940), Marxist theorist

"Zsa Zsa Gabor was found guilty of three out of four counts--which is quite a coincidence, because she's been married to three out of four counts." -- Johnny Carson (1925-2005), third host of NBC's Tonight Show, commenting on Gabor's conviction for slapping a police officer in Beverly Hills, Calif., in 1989

QUOTATIONS FROM PET KITTY CATS

"We've been through a lot together--and most of it was your fault."

"What part of `meow' don't you understand?"

CURSES

"May you live in interesting times." -- Chinese

"May your life be filled with lawyers." -- Mexican

"May all your teeth fall out, except one for toothaches." -- Yiddish

BILLBOARDS,  BUMPER STICKERS, SIGNS, GRAFFITI, AND GREETING-CARD MESSAGES

"Are you illiterate?  Write today for free help."

"BEER:  It's not just for breakfast any more."

Above:  "G∙d is dead -- Nietzsche" / Below:  "Nietzsche is dead -- G∙d"

"Happiness is seeing your boss's picture on the side of a milk carton."

"I can't stand intolerant people."

"I took Evelyn Woods' speed-reading course, and it's great!  I read War and Peace in just over 2 hours.  (I think it had something to do with Russia.)"

"I'm in the half of the class that makes the upper half possible."

"Our credit manager is Miss Helen Waite.  If you want credit, go to Helen Waite."

"Support mental health, or I'll kill you."

"When I retire, I'm going to move up North and drive real slow" (observed on a sports car in Florida).

"A woman's place is in the mall."

Front panel of greeting card:  "You matriculated!"  Inscription on inside panel:  "Now clean it up!"

HEADLINE THAT WILL SELL THE GREATEST NUMBER OF COPIES OF THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER

"Elvis comes back from the dead and announces new weight-loss diet!"

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